Louie's Blog, Louie LaFleur speaking...

"I Hate You, Majesty." A novel.

2012-02-16T10:59:00.000-08:00

The following is an excerpt from the novel, "I Hate You, Majesty" by Louie LaFleur.

He awoke, suddenly, from a half remembered dream about a tornado. A crashing noise outside his bedroom sat him up in his bed. Was he still dreaming? He rubbed his eyes, but the room was too dark for him to know for certain. Another crash got him out of bed. He opened the door to find a Tupperware container of cereal and jar of sugar on the ground. Then from behind the food shelf he met a pair of golden eyes, reflecting whatever light there was in the dark kitchen.

"What the fuck do you want?" Louie asked.
"Meow" She responded.
"It's 6:15 in the morning, and what the fuck do you think you're doing? I'm trying to get some sleep, and you're just knocking shit over? YOU JUST ATE FOUR HOURS AGO. And don't you tell me you don't like your new food, it's got real chicken and shit in it."
"Meow."

He went to the drawer and pulled out a small blue bag of cat treats. He realized he was still dazed from sleep as he struggled to grab two treats from the bag. They smelled terrible.

"Tuna Flavored," read the bag.

They were old. Once the cat treats used to be soft, but now it seemed they were hard as rock by the sound they made when he threw them at the floor.

"There you go, you piece of shit."

He returned to his room, and got back under his covers. He remembered the dream about the tornado. He was alone in a strange house, listening to "Who Can It Be Now?" by Men at Work, when the sirens started off in the distance. He went to his door to see if the tornado was close, and it was. But this tornado was different. It was tiny, and when he opened the door it just came in to the house and started knocking things over. It was more annoying than anything. He tried to subdue the tiny windstorm by feeding it food, but it's appetite was insatiable. He was so fucking annoyed.

He wasn't getting back to sleep tonight.

"I hate you, Majesty." He thought as he put on his pants.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Oh boy....we need to talk about something.

2012-02-05T10:26:00.000-08:00

Hello! Welcome...please come in. Can I get you anything to drink? No? That's fine; this shouldn't take long anyway. Okay....the reason I called you over today is to talk about...Oh my god, I'm sorry. I didn't even ask how you were doing! How are you? Everything okay? Oh good.........I'm fine too. Usually the person asks me back when I inquire how they are doing, but no big deal. I'm good. Sure, I've been better, and economy's not what it used to be, but I'm okay...not fine, fine's a weird word isn't it? Anyway, the reason I asked you to come over today is that we need to talk.....about acoustic guitars. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, "Why the fuck would you call me all the way over here, on SUPERBOWL SUNDAY (no less), to talk about acoustic fucking guitars?" Yeah, I'm sorry about that, and sure, the text said "Emergency, thinking about ending it," but let's move past that for a second and talk about this.

We all know what I'm talking about. All I had to say was, acoustic guitar. Imagine, you're at a party enjoying the company of some close friends, or hell, even trying to make few new ones, when in walks some newcomers, and one of them is toting their acoustic guitar. He/she says hello to no one and immediately begins to unpack their guitar in the center of the most populated room. Now comes a 5-10 minute tuning session, because when covering Bob Dylan nothing ruins the mood more than when your chords are flat. Then they start playing. Looking around the room at those people still talking as if they are interrupting the performance of a lifetime they didn't/wouldn't pay to see and didn't know was actually going to happen. The next 30 minutes - 2 hours are hell. No one is talking. Instead, they are staring at the guitarist nodding in awkward approval, usually with a slight smile on their face. Because what else can you do? You've been imprisoned in your own mind, trapped with your horrible, dark thoughts. The drunkest person at the party has now passed out on the couch, and the night has been ruined. A black cat screams outside, while it lays, dying in the gray moonlight.

In a gathering of more than two people, there is no appropriate time to pull out your guitar and start strumming away. This is an objective fact, and before you start hollering, "I hate that Louie LaFleur, he hates music and fun and hanging out with buds, and it's not my fault he's so self-centered that he can't handle the attention being on one person (that's not him) for an extended period of time!" Let me just say that I happen to like the instrument. Hell, I used to play it (before I realized that knowing half the chords to three different Pink Floyd songs isn't actually the equivalent to what I had been telling people, "Yeah I can play the guitar. Oh, what just fell out of my pocket? Is that a guitar pick? What's your number? I'm a Virgo.") It's not that I hate music; I don't. In fact, I think it's great...when it's coming from professionals, and most of you free loaders strumming Eagles covers in the middle of parties are not professionals. If I was an amateur painter, how would you like it if I came to your party with all of my painting supplies and set up my canvas in the middle of the room and said, "Hey dudes, you wanna stop socializing with your friends and focus on me while I horribly recreate works of art from your favorite artists?" No, I would not like you to do that, and by the way did someone ask you to bring your art supplies to this party, OR DO YOU FUCKING CARRY THAT WITH YOU EVERYWHERE YOU GO? (Because that seems inconvenient, and I'm just trying to help you out....sorry I yelled.)

Okay.....whew...that got a bit more heated than I wanted it to, but this is a problem that needs to be addressed. We can't just sit there and let others think that this is okay, when it really isn't. You can leave now....are you doing anything later? No? Oh....hah....yeah me neither...uhh call me later! Let's get coffee next week or something. (Door Slams) Bye!

Barry Potter And Salt Experiments

2010-04-25T16:27:00.000-07:00

I called into a Christian Radio show called "There is Hope" as a man named Ted Sprunson and told the man that my son, Tilt, was addicted to Barry Potter Books.

Earth Day's Resolutions (taken from the popular New Year's Resolutions) Year

2010-04-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

On this day I, Louie LaFleur, have embarked on a new tradition that someday will be celebrated by hundreds of people and Animalia a like! For today I have created the very first list of Earth Day's Resolutions (to be spoken in the same vain as New Year's Resolutions or Spring Cleaning To Do lists). Earth Day's Resolutions are to be celebrated and executed the very same way one would go about executing New Year's Resolutions, but instead of selfishly bettering oneself (New Year's Resolutions) one chooses to take steps for betterment of the Earth (non-selfish).

So without further hitherto or furtherance here be'eth my Earth Day's Resolutions:

Louie LaFleur's Earth Day's Resolutions:

Preamble: I, Louie LaFleur, do solemnly give truthful mutterance to upkeep and hold true these following statements with the Earth's best interests in mind. Should I break the code of this Hammurabi-esque declaration I shall wait for the next jour de la Terre and purge my mind of previous attempts to better the Earth.

Resolutions:

1. Cut down shower time by half (30 minutes)

2. Do my math in my head rather then on paper or Styrofoam.

3. Only use Styrofoam plates and cups for two meals a day (including snacks, Louie).

4. Stop fantasizing about driving a Hum-Vee and start fantasizing about driving a Prius, god forbid.

5. Stop using ink pens and ink utilizing printers in an attempt to befriend an octopus or octopi.

6. Befriend an octopus or octopi.

7. Stop drinking bottled milk.

8. Stop bottling milk.

9. Start sorting my trash piles before I burn them.

10. Utilize the power of corn. (ie: popping corn)

Converstations with Barrister Robin Hood

2010-02-24T18:58:00.000-08:00

After a few days of correspondence with Union Bank PLC, I was given the email address of a Nigerian Attorney named Robin Hood who would be in charge transferring my ($500,000) to my bank account. I was also given his phone number....

UNION BANK: ATTN: REGGIE KNINDENSEN,

WE HEREBY WRITE TO NOTIFY YOU THAT THE MICCON AWARD PROMOTION WILL END IN THE NEXT ONE WEEK BEING THE 1ST OF MARCH 2010.IN A SITUATION WHEREBY YOU DID NOT CLAIM YOUR FUND ON OR BEFORE THE IST OF MARCH 2010, YOUR FUND WILL BE CANCELLED AND YOUR MONEY WILL BE SEND TO THE PROMOTIONAL COMPANY AS UNCLAIMED FUND.

THEREFORE, YOU HAVE LESS THAN ONE WEEK TO CLAIM YOUR WON PRIZE TO AVOID CANCELLATION OF YOUR FUND. GO AHEAD AND SEND US YOUR BANKING INFORMATION WHERE YOU WILL LIKE TO RECEIVE YOUR WON PRIZE TO ENABLE US APPROVE YOU FOR PAYMENT AND ALSO TRANSFER THE MONEY TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHOUT ANY FURTHER DELAY. THANKS
UNION BANK PLC

My bank information is as follows:

Name: Beld Tindin's Bank Extraordinaire Association - Ask for Mark.
Account No. 3345ABER4309R007
Bank Phone: 1-888-999-3434 ext. 44th section E digits 1-9 extended
Please send the funds to 6666 Maple Chapel, Hartsford, Michiganet Court ask for Ted.

And currently the most fluent language in the bank is French, so Merci Beaucoup!

Wishing you the best times always and more so that your life is fun and good each day,

Reggie Knindensen

Re: UNION BANK APPROVED REGGIE KNINDENSEN FOR PAYMENTAttn:Reggie Knindensen

In response to the application you sent to us as one of our lucky winners, we are pleased to inform you that your application has been granted.

You are required to come down to our head quarters in Africa to obtain the affidavit of claim and also sign the final release order document.

However, in the event that you may not be able to come over, you are advised to contact an accredited Barrister here in the bank who will act on your behalf to enable us transfer the fund to your account today.

Below is the contact of the Barrister that can finalize the transaction on your behalf.

He can get everything done on your behalf in 30Mins,contact him now if you need his services and also give him your Zip Code and phone number, Make sure you call him immediately with his below direct Phone Number,

Name: Barrister Robin Hood

Email
Phone:+234-706-882-3511

Call the barrister immediately and also email him with your cell phone number so that he will be able to give you a call as soon as he gets the fund transferred into your account today.

Enclosed is an attachment of your Payment Approval Document for your own personal documentation.

Accept our congratulations in advance!

Yours Faithfully,
Union Bank Plc.

This next part is a series of phone conversations I had with Robin Hood.

Part 1

Part 2

Emails with Rev Dr. Ben Koro

2010-02-11T18:46:00.000-08:00

The following is a series of emails that I had with a man named Rev Dr. Ben Koro, who first emailed me with the information that I had one ($500,000) in a world lottery.

Dear Internet User.

We are happy to inform you that your email address have emerged winner
of (DOLLARS $500,000) in MICCON AWARD PROMOTION.

The online cyber draws was conducted from an exclusive list of
500,000.00 email addresses of individuals, corporate bodies, Students

and staff email addresses picked by an advanced automated random
computer selection from the web.

Your email address attached to ticket number: 003-0155107-07 with
serial number.: AA01/07/003/cc drew the numbers: 10-01-44-86-23 which

emerged as the 2nd place winning numbers in category "A". You are
therefore entitled to a winning prize of $500,000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED
THOUSAND US DOLLARS) which is credited in cash to file with
REF:05/1128-ISA/0001-1.

Bear in mind that prizes will strictly be remitted to winners that
officially file in for their claim within the given time frame below,

Note: All Won Prize must Be claimed/ Cleared not later than one
month.After this date, all other winnings will considered as UNCLAIMED

and returned to Global award department.

To begin your claim, you are to forward this message to our accredited
claim agent including your

1. Name
2. Address
3. Nationality
4. Age
5. Occupation

6. Phone/Fax

Make sure you send him email to his email address and call
him once you send him email:

Contact Person: Rev Dr Ben Koro

Tel: +234-803-443-3473

IF YOU ARE CALLING FROM USA THIS IS HOW YOU WILL DIAL

011-234-803-443-3473 BUT IF YOU ARE CALLING FROM ANY OTHER COUNTRY
THIS IS HOW YOU DIAL +234-803-443-3473

THIS IS YOUR CLAIM AGENT E-MAIL ADDRESS BELOW,

E MAIL: benkoro220@gmail.com

Your prize award has been insured with your email address and will be
transferred to you upon meeting the requirement of the gaming board
authority which includes your statutory obligations.

NOTE: You may receive this E-mail more than once as the Miccon Award

Promotion send it to its winners in most cases until every winner has
claimed his or her prize to ensure that all the winners receive it.

Congratulations!!!

Sincerely,
Eric Nichole's
General Coordinator,

MICCON ONLINE PROMOTION.

Dear Rev Dr. Ben Koro

It seems I have one a great prize from you ($500,000) (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS). I am a very lucky internet user because I need this money. You see just recently my cat needs an operation to put her toes back on her front parts, but I am too old to do the surgery myself. When I was younger I removed the toes from her front parts and now feel like a bad man (please forgive me if you have cats and do not like it when toes are removed from the front or back parts. I am very interested in receiving my prize! I am somewhat reluctant as to how I won this money, but it seems you are a doctor so I was reassured, then I saw that you were a reverend and I knew I could trust you with the front parts of my cat. Please let me know how I can collect my prize. My cat needs her toes back!

Your Newest Friend (probably),
Reggie Knindensen

P.S. What kind of doctor are you? Also my friends call me "The Regtable". I know its a bit funny. My cat's name is "Stinkles" I will tell you why in the next email.

Hello Winner,

How are you together with your family? Hope the lord has been good in
our lives. I am responding on how skeptic you are sounding about the
prize winning, but this is never a joke my dear, because I have been
doing it for other lucky winners like you.

Yes my dear, you won a cash price of $500,000(usd}, you are one of the
lucky winners in this years promotion which your email address
consequently won. It is a thing of joy and also a blessing that has
bestowed upon you and your family.

Moreover, this is a program that happens every year to improve the
level of education and also to encourage the use of internet among
staffs and students worldwide.

All participants are selected randomly through their school email
addresses and a computer ballot system was drawn from 15 million email
addresses from Australia, New Zealand, America, Europe, North America
and Africa. That is how you came up to be one of the lucky winners of
this years programme.

All you have to do is to send me your below information,

Name in full
Address
Nationality
Age
Occupation
Phone/Fax

to enable me get back to you with your winning certificate, which you
will forward to the paying bank to enable them transfer your prize
winning into your account without any delay.

Regards
Rev Dr Ben Koro

Hello My Beauty (Rev Dr. Ben Koro),

I am so pleased to hear that out of these many countries (continents! my mistake, as usual) I have won this prize of (usd). It goes without saying that this money will go straight to my cat's front parts and nowhere else(I hope, I have a terrible gambling addiction that has stricken both the lives of my wonderful cat Stinkles and my life as well.) !! I am a little worried about giving out the information that you asked for (Address, Nationality, Age, Occupation, Phone/Fax). I, just as many lucky Internet users, fear Identity fraud, but I really need this money for my cat. Recently, my cat has taken to ignoring me because of the severe damage I have done to her front parts (toes). So I am almost inclined to hand over the needed information right now! Here is some of it, Nationality: United States of American, Age: 64, Occupation: Cat and Cat Memorabilia Enthusiast/ Retired Cat Parts Surgeon. Fax: none. Please let me know if you need the other parts of information from me to collect the money! Also, I would help me more to trust you if you sent me a picture of you dressed up as a doctor or a reverend, but please make sure it is you! To make sure it is you could be giving me a "thumbs up!" or a "you're number one!" type gesture in the photo. Thanks again!

--
Wishing you the best times always and more so that your life is fun and good each day,

Reggie Knindensen

P.S. I almost forgot to tell you why my cat was named "Stinkles"! Haha my mind wanders! I named her Stinkles because she sometimes gets into my onion bin and will eat a whole onion before I stop her. As you can imagine her breath smells TERRIBLE when I go to smell her mouth at night. Also, I will tell you more about my terrible gambling addiction and how it started in the next email! Look forward to hearing from you!

Dear Reggie Knindensen,

Below attachment is your winning certificate.

Forward your winning certificate together with your banking
information to the bank to enable them transfer the fund to your
account.

Here is the bank e mail address
ubnplc002@yahoo.com

Here is the bank phone number 011-234-806-891-7124

Below are your banking information you have to send to the bank

(1) Your Name
(2) Your Bank Name
(3) Your Account Number
(4) Your Cell Phone Number

Bear in mind that this yahoo email address was created just for this
promotion because the bank's website is under construction now, so
they are using this email for the promotion alone and the id will be
closed as soon as the promotion ends in the next four weeks.

Congratulations as you receive your fund,

May the almighty God bless you and your family.
Rev(Dr) Ben Koro.

Hello Union Bank PLC,

My name is Reggie Knindensen, and as you surely know from the emails I have forwarded to you
Yesterday, yes, I am the proud owner of the my Stinkles (cat). As you now should have realized, I have
Attached my Winning Certificate in this email. Please be careful with it, (REV DR. Ben Koro says I only get one!!!)
I am so Grateful that you have chosen me (Reggie) for this wonderful money. But I must ask for even more than (FIVE HUN-
DRED THOUSAND DOLLARS) (usd) from you, I must also ask for your advice and cooperation. As a bank I'm sure you have great
Experience in giving and taking advice from people and other buildings like yourself. You see my Stinkles and I have a business proposition for you,
That deals with a certain laser surgery operation (LSO) in the field of Cat Beautification and Manipulations (CB&M). As a retired Cat Surgeon, I am experienced
In Cat Beautification and this operations is revolutionary in Chic cat trends. The operation calls for the laser removal of hairs from the buttocks of beloved and l-
oyal cats. It makes the cats so much nicer to look at.

Please respond to this email with either: 1) Yes we look forward to supporting you, your Stinkles, and your business! or 2) No. If you respond I will then give you my bank information you require.

T.hanks for listening and your eyesight,

Reg.

2009-05-21T16:47:00.000-07:00

Te-Te-Te-Teeerrrrrooorist BLOG!
Terrorism Blows (Things up.)

When we hear the word "Terrorism" what do we think of? 9/11? Osama "The Recycling Bin" Laden? Foreign Languages? Weird curry foods and "Gyros"? Not ending sentences with prepositions because some old stink bomb whore teacher in fucking high school English class thought it was classless and then she humiliated you in front of your peers by making you spell receive on the white board knowing that you were too tired to remember the "I" before "E" except after mother fucking "C" rule? Sure, sounds like terrorism to me.

But some would argue that the word "terrorism" is a constantly changing word that varies due to perspective (Sounds like something a terrorist would say). In fact there is a very common saying that states exactly this. It goes: "one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter". Or represented mathematically:

f(x + h)

(x + h)² + 1 = x² + 2xh + h² + 1.

Where "x" represents the universal truth: "all love pizza", and "h" is merely a function of variable change due extra toppings and its relationship to the second universal truth represented by:

f(x + h)

Which is: "all children hate their parents when made to eat their veggies".

Moving on...

It is safe to say that word terrorism is certainly subjective to the winds of perspective...or so I thought. You see there is a lot in this world that is foreign to me, countries I haven't seen, foods I haven't tasted, races of nocturnal dwarfish humans that only prey on the weak and wounded at night leaving no trace of their existence and further more plotting to murder the masterminds behind the show "Little People Big World" which has, frankly, made them look like little bitches....I haven't seen this either.

But recently I have seen the face of terrorism. It hides in plain sight. It is American. It tempts our children on the television then haunts their nightmares. It is extremely profitable, stealing millions of American dollars, and I can see no plausible end.

I'm talking about the Saw movies.

Jesus Christ.

First of all, I must admit that I have not seen all the Saw movies. I know, I know. What in god's name have I been doing? I did see the first one, and don't get me wrong it was ok. Danny Glover, the guy from The Princess Bride, ankle sawing, some terminally ill man was laying on the ground the whole movie?...It all seemed fine at the time. How did they get Danny Glover? I don't know....people need money and they stopped making Lethal Weapons.

But from watching that new trailer it seems that the terminally ill albino man is still alive. This is baffling. It seems that he is still, and has been for six movies, gathering humans who for one reason or the other are depressed and not living their lives to the fullest. You would think that in the time span that these movies have covered he would have been doing something more along the lines of a Bucket List type plot, where, in his last few years on Earth, he accomplished some of the goals he hadn't had the time to do when he was nice and healthy and probably had more color in his face and hair. Most people with terminal illness look for one last hooker to fuck, maybe try anal, and leave other peoples problems out of their own lives, as that might cause more stress than the actually disease that is eating away his body from the inside. I'm usually not one to cast the first stone, but this seems ridiculous.

But....These movies are consistently a box office success. So, although it's probably not the case, there could be a chance the Saw films contain some genuine elements of a good movie. Let's examine further.

Saw: 2 fellas kidnapped, trapped in a room. Family held by mysterious murderer. Trapped fellas have to play a game to determines who lives and who dies. Gore. Lesson learned. Twist = old man on floor the whole time was not just napping, but in fact planned the whole thing despite having a terminal illness.

Saw II: The killer Jigsaw is back at his games! More people kidnapped. More fucking games. People have to decide whether to play in these games that result in other peoples death in order to see someone in their family again. Albino napping man from first movie is still sick.

Saw III: Doctor kidnapped to treat still alive albino cracker. Albino gringo wants to "finish" his games. Turns out to be bullshit as 3 more movies are made after this one. I'm sure something happens with his family and people die.

Saw IV: I dunno.

Saw V: Probably some odd combination of the previous movies has something to do with this one.

Saw VI: White dude still alive somehow. Probably some blindsiding twist about paralleling story lines, family, games, and death. Note: Danny Glover never returns.

These movies fucking suck. It seems as though it doesn't matter which order you watch the Saw films, because they are all the same exact fucking thing. I'd go as far to say that Bill Gates cooked up some secret software that consumes our own human feces and shits out Saw movies. It is probably a vending machine in Japan that reads "Please insert 4 dumps of shit" then you insert your 4 dumps, and out pops a nice 100 page script including one villain, one protagonist, one twist that might have been nudged at during the film, and of course a nice CD-ROM of suspenseful, climax building, stock music that usually lets you know "The film is ending now. Please leave, we have your money."

And that's where the terrorism strikes. Let's look at the concept of Terrorism. In so many words, terrorism is that which uses fear to gain profit for the ones projecting that fear. The Saw movies use bad dialogue, repetition, and our own shit, just as other terrorists use car bombs, rocket launchers, and our own planes. These Saw Terrorists' only goal is take our money as they collect our shit dumps and feed them to their script shitting robots.

We have to take a stand and either stop shitting into the sewers where the Saw movie producers live and reproduce only to collect our shit and in the end our money, or start illegally pirating this saw movies and re-collecting our lost money.

PS. Please don't tell Michael Moore about this. He'll ruin it for us all.

2009-05-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

THE NUWAVE OVEN!!
https://www.nuwaveoven.com/spark/index.php

A phone call between the nuwave oven saleslady and myself.

2009-04-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

A MURDER MYSTERY
The Louie LaFleur Story, Very Scary...

Louie's Journal:

Day One:
It was a cold Sunday night in March. I had just written a blog posting a clever, yet also hilarious portion of a script I shit out a day earlier. My brain hurt from working so hard that I made my way into the kitchen for some salty snacks, but there were none. I thought to myself,
"Wait...didn't I just stock up on delicious salty snacks yesterday....had I already eaten my rations of salty cheese crackers?...in just one day...I suspect foul play...(Insert your own goldfish puns here!)"
I heard a ghoulish, hideous shriek scratching outside the window, and I decided to grant my curious eyes a peek. Hmm...Nothing there must have been the wind or a passing car playing AC/DC. I let down the blinds and retreated to my room, but then I heard the horrible shriek again. This time it was coming from below me....in the basement. My mind got the best of me and started for the basem...

Day Two:
Sorry, Journal... I had to cut it off early last night. Just as I was heading for the basement my bladder reminded me that it needed to empty itself then after that I got distracted on the Internet watching episodes of COPS and fell asleep. I had completely forgotten about the sound until I checked my journal tonight, but I have not lost my curious edge....No tonight I will seek to find what made that noise....On the lighter side journal, I have purchased more salty snacks...seems this time I shall be prepared. I went with these tasty pretzel twis......hold on....THERE IT IS AGAIN!...the noise journal...it's back. I can hear it below me now....

Day Three:
Dammit Journal! It's happened again! I had made it into the basement to investigate the noise when all of a sudden...out of nowhere...piles of dirty laundry lay on the ground. I had completely forgotten to finish my laundry from earlier in the week, so I finished it then and the entire investigation slipped my mind! RATS!!! I won't forget this time journal....and let me tell you why...You see today I took a nap outside in my parking lot and woke up here in the basement, but I had this terrible dream of an old dirty man approaching me. He walked up, disturbing my sleep no less, and asked,
"My dear boy, Have you any change to spare?"
To which I replied,
"I'm sleeping outside in a parking lot you dumb, motherfucker. Does it look like I have any change for your old-man diapers? The ones that you shit yourself in everyday? I bet you shit yourself all the time."
Journal, this must have angered the old man because he pulled out a knife and then he sta....Wait a second.....THE NOISE....It's back....Oh my god.....Journal....It is AC/DC!! The entire band (or what's left of them) is laying dead in their own cold blood. They're throats have been cut.....there is a trail of blood... wait Journal, the blood leads back to me. Oh no, Journal! There is a bloody knife in my left hand.....I think I have slit AC/DC's throats.....What have I done....I mean sure I hate their music....but enough to kill? Hold on......they're moving....Oh my god they are alive....well then who's blood is this? It's my blood! It was no dream...That old man stabbed me to death and this is hell. Hell is being in my basement with AC/DC for eternity.......I REPEAT.....Hell, the worst possible place and situation imaginable for me, is being in my basement with the band AC/DC for eternity. No fire, or demons torturing me....Just AC/DC.....just hanging out with AC/DC is my hell.

The devil is cunning.

2009-03-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

The following is part 1 of a script that I am writing and preforming at the talent show my house is having. Just to set you up...it's about Hamlet and Lord Voldemort killed his dad.

H A M L E T 2 1 9 9: OMELET of DEATH: Omelegeddon

INT. KITCHEN--DAY

HAMLET sits at a table eating a delicious looking omelet while drinking what seems to be coffee and reading the paper. A poor man enters. He seems to be quite poor. He sits across from HAMLET.

Poorman

Master Hamlet?

Hamlet

What is it, you street trash?

POORMAN

Well, Master Hamlet, you're eating an omelet? Wasn't your father poisoned by an omelet just a few months ago by the Dark Lord Voldemort and that rat Carmen San Diego?

HAMLET does not respond.

POORMAN

Sorry, sir.

The POORMAN stands from the table and walks towards the door. Just as he gets grabs the doorknob, HAMLET speaks.

HAMLET

They say you gotta crack few eggs if you want to make an omelet, and I'm making a big fucking omelet...an omelet of death.

CUT TO:

INT. DEN--DAY

The Dark LORD VOLDEMORT sits at his throne awaiting his new partner in evil, CARMEN SAN DIEGO. One of LORD VOLDEMORT's servants stands by his side. VOLDEMORT is getting impatient waiting for her.

LORD VOLDEMORT

Where in the world is this bitch?

SERVANT

My Lord, we must be patient. She will be a royal addition to our team of villainy.

LORD VOLDEMORT

SILENCE! You fool! How dare you speak to the Dark Lord like this? CRUCIO!!!

The Dark Lord points his wand at the servant who screams in pain.

SERVANT

(pointing)

Lord, She arrives! It is Carmen San Diego!

CARMEN SAN DIEGO enters from stage left.

CARMEN SAN DIEGO

Sorry for my lateness, Lord Voldemort. The gumshoes were hot on my trail, but yet again, I have escaped them.

LORD VOLDEMORT

What news do you bring?

CARMEN SAN DIEGO

It is Hamlet, sir. He plans his revenge in Denmark. He knows it was you who poisoned his father with the Denver Omelet..or should I say...DEATHVER OMELET!

Everyone shares a laugh.

LORD VOLDEMORT

Well, if it is vengeance that young Prince Hamlet seeks, it will only be death that he finds.

CARMEN SAN DIEGO

My Lord, there is more.

LORD VOLDEMORT

Go on.

CARMEN SAN DIEGO

Sir, Legolas, an elf of the Woodland Realm rides to meet Prince Hamlet. One of my spies believes an alliance has been made.

LORD VOLDEMORT

Interesting....very interesting.

CUT TO:

INT. HAMLET's CASTLE--DAY

HAMLET sits at a table, plotting his revenge on the Dark Lord. He seems frustrated and out of ideas. A servant enters.

SERVANT

Prince Hamlet, Legolas, an elf of the Woodland Realm has arrived and wishes to speak with you.

HAMLET

What business does an elf have in Denmark?

SERVANT

Shall I send him away, my lord?

HAMLET

No. Let him in.

Legolas enters.

Legolas

Heeeeeey guys.

SERVANT

Prince Hamlet, this is Legolas.

HAMLET

Legolas, What brings you to Denmark?

LEGOLAS

I...uh...oh yeah. (Pulls a piece of paper out of his back pocket and reads) I, Legolas, come to offer my service in any effort to defeat the Dark Lord Voldemort, the man that murdered my father with the killing curse.

HAMLET

It seems we have something in common, elf.

LEGOLAS

You can just call me Legolas, I don't know why you people insist on referring to us by species. It sounds ridiculous..I don't call you..

HAMLET

(interrupting Legolas)

Tomorrow we march on Voldemort's castle! I shall challenge him to a duel, and defeated, I shall leave him in a pool.....of his own blood...

TO BE CONTINUED...

2009-03-09T15:04:00.000-07:00

LaFleur on LaFleur: The LaFleur Chronicles: "The Interview"

VS.

I recently I had the chance to sit down with local hero and teen heartthrob, Louie LaFleur. This is that interview:

LaFleur: Mr. LaFleur. Nice to see you again.

LaFleur: Oh of course, always got time for a fan. (chuckles then coughs into his hand)

LaFleur: Oh...I guess I'll just get started with my questions then. If your parents were to confess to the most shocking thing you can imagine, what would it be?

LaFleur: Wow, that's a tough one.....uh....probably it would be....Well I think that if my parents ever were to confess the most shocking thing I could imagine it would be that they are not actually my parents, but, in fact I am my own parents and I used my overly developed, begotten consciousness to create not only a body for myself in the physical world, but also an unique overly developed soul in the spirit world. But I mean if I had actually done that how would it be shocking to me, you know? Unless I tricked myself into forgetting all of it to live a normal human life. So I guess if they knew all of that and then confessed it to me, yeah, I'd be shocked.

LaFleur: Interesting points none the less. Next question: What one thing would you find the hardest about being in prison?

LaFleur: The hardest thing I would find about being in prison would actually be being in the prison. I've been told that no prison can hold me, and that's true. Ever since I was a young boy, I've been escaping things far more terrifying then prisons. Just last week I escaped a horrible death by injecting my self with the Ebola virus and then curing it 30 minutes later.

LaFleur: That's just fascinating, Mr. LaFleur. What’s the best thing to inherit other than money?

LaFleur: Gold or ancient runes, jewels. Not genetic diseases or mutations unless they actually were going to help me in some sort of super hero way. If a genetic mutation were to help me then yeah, I'd like to inherit that, of course. It's just usually not the case. Also, rubies.

LaFleur: What book has most touched your soul?

LaFleur: Actually on an archaeological dig in an ancient Egyptian tomb, I found a book that instructed the reader on how to physically find and touch your own soul. After reading about 15 or so pages of it, I was actually able to touch my own soul with my fingertips. I recommend it.

LaFleur: Where would you consider constructing a small altar in your house or yard?

LaFleur: I wouldn't. I would construct and large altar with my own hands and then destroy it because it would be the pinnacle of human beauty.

LaFleur: Ok, Mr. LaFleur this is my last question for this interview. If you had a guardian angel, what would you name it?

LaFleur: I do have a guardian angel. His name is Kaldore, and I created him out of paper mache then much like the children story of Pinocchio, he came to life wielding powers I had never seen. One day his powers got the best of him and greed corrupted his mind. Therefore, I killed him and buried the hardened body in sacred ground where guardian angels have no power over this world.

2009-02-26T08:20:00.000-08:00

About a month ago on a day no more ordinary than this one, I, Louie LaFleur, shit my pants.

I am so unfamiliar with the feeling that I wasn't quite sure it happened. I mean as a child you hear horror stories of people uncontrollably losing their bowels and the humiliation that ensues, but you could only think that God would do this to the most cruel of humans. Surely this sort of social punishment is only reserved for child rapists and Kid Rock fans, but the coarse, brown truth of it is that it could happen to any of us. I am Louie LaFleur, and I shit my pants.

The following is an excerpt taken from my moment to moment diary that I keep everyday in case moments like this actually happen:

January 22, 2009 - (New Year's Resolution: Don't shit my pants)

10:30 A.M. - I woke up to my phone alarm (Billie Myers - Kiss the Rain). Rolling out of bed, I thought to myself "Today is going to be a shitty day."

10:45 A.M. - I brushed my teeth and thought I would check my email. Nothing too important. I replied to an email from Nic Cage about meeting for lunch. Something about being in the next National Treasure...whatever. I think im going to make some coffee.

11:01 A.M. - Hmm..this coffee is making my stomach feel werid...anyways I am watching Drew Carey host The Price is Right. Some old bitch named Linda just won some Gold Bond lotion, and she seemed moderatley excited about it. I guess she must have dry skin issues or some bullshit. I don't get old people. They smell and they shit their pants all the time. It's disgusting.

11:20 A.M. - Man, today's journal entries are getting tedious. Nothing is happening today. Nothing out of the ordinary that is........

11:35 A.M. - 12:03 P.M. - Nap

12:05 P.M. - I heard someone on my front porch. I am going to check it out.

12:08 P.M. - It was the mail-man. He just dropped off some bills. I better check 'em out. Waste and water: $120.93. Internet: $46.99. Gas: $145.87. Electricity: $15,129.86. WHAT THE FUCK?!

12:09 P.M. - 12:18 P.M. - Unconscious

12:20 P.M. - Journal, You are not going to believe the dream I just had. I dreamt that I was having this perfectly ordinary day when all of a sudden I got this huge fucking electricity bill. Upon seeing the bill I shit my pants and then fainted to the floor. It's really quite odd because I woke up on the floor here and.....oh wait a second, Journal....I think there is a full sized shit in my pants. Holy christ, Journal.....I shit my pants. That wasn't a dream at all. In reality, I lost control of my bowels and ruined this pair of pants by shitting into them. Hold on Journal, let me check and see if, like the shit in my pants, that bill is also reality.

Fuck.

"Please Pay" "Thank you!" At least you haven't forgot your manners, you fucking sadists.

Dear Un-named electric company,
I hope you shit your pants when you get this:

Bill From Louie LaFleur-

1 pair of pants: $12.99

Emotional Trauma from Shitting Said Pants: $8.99

Please Pay
Total: $21.98 Thank You!

2009-02-18T23:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Louie,

Since even before the ancient Egyptians, Cats and human beings have interacted with one another almost on a symbiotic level. Now I'm not saying that it has always been great between cats and humans, of course there are going to be examples of terrible relationships as there always is, but for the most part, it has been quite common to see a cat and his or her owner getting along and spreading joy in each other's lives.

That's how I thought things were going to go for us.

At first, you started out as a great owner, you fed me, kept a roof over my head, hell, you even tossed a ball around at me thinking I actually enjoyed that shit. You were trying your best, and you know what? That's all that fucking counts. We cats know a good thing when we see it (not paying rent, free food, and you literally pick my piss and shit up out of a box of pebbled clay with your own hands). Sure we'll chase a ball around, fuck, it seems to make you all pretty happy, and if you're happy, life is usually much easier for us.

But god dammit...

Cats can only take so much, man. I guess, for me, it's just the blatant ignorance. You'd think the species that mapped the human genome and birthed the Lord of the Ring series wouldn't be so fucking stupid. Obviously, that's too much to assume. Do walk up to a man speaking Russian and coo to him like a new born baby because you can't understand a word he's saying? NO? Then why on god's green fucking earth do you find it o.k. to murmur that bull shit in my ears? Have you any idea how much better my hearing is then yours? Did I randomly pop out of some woman's expecting vagina into the street? Then don't treat me like one of your brain-dead offspring!

But still...I mean if it was just the baby talk I could probably handle it. Let's not kid ourselves the economy fucking blows right now. I ain't finding no job.

But it's not just the baby noises is it? Oh, you don't know what else you could be doing to piss me off, do you shit-for-brains? Well let me set up another social scenario where something is terribly wrong, but you seem to think its right as rain:

Roommate number 1: Oh hey, Roommate number 2! Where's Louie?

Roommate number 2: Well, jeez, now that you think of it I haven't seen Louie in quite a while.

(bells jingling)

Roommate Number 2: Oh wait, I hear him. He must be taking a shit because I can hear the bell I forcefully attached around his neck while he struggled to escape from my cold hands coming from the box he shits in. Actually, I can see him shitting right now, and I often watch him shit into a box. It's almost as if I enjoy it. Yes, I do enjoy it.

(end mother fucking scene)

Really, Louie, I honestly took the time to put my self in your being. I said forget the baby talk, let me just try and understand this one thing. This one thing that is so far beyond anything I would ever do to anyone else because I am not a sick fuck.

Louie, I tried.

I don't know what chemical imbalance god fucked up in your brain, but attaching a bell to someone for the sole purpose of knowing where she is at all times is fucking psychotic. They should lock away pervs like you forever. I am not even going to comment on how you sometimes watch me use the restroom. Get help. You are fucking disgusting. You are going to die alone.

I'm not sorry for any of this, and if it doesn't change around here....I'm going to beat the shit out of you.

x o x o,
Majesty (your cat)

p.s. Thanks for the stupid fucking name, dickhole.

2009-02-17T13:57:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone!

Due to an overwhelming number of email requests, phone calls, and faxes etc... I have finally started my very own blog.

note: Some of you said some very nice things, such as HotGirls643:

"Dear, Louis.LaFleeuur@gmail.com,

See why millions of horny singles voted us the best.

Women and Men in your area are looking to hook up with you tonight.

View our extensive and revealing picture database free of charge.

Click here to view us live on web cam right now!"

Thanks, but no thanks ladies! I am perfectly able to find people in my area looking to hook up with me tonight, Also if your "extensive and revealing picture database" is so fucking "free of charge" then why am I still getting billed every month from Horny Singles Inc. I barely even looked at all those pictures.

CAPTION: While at work, Amber, The Slut, enjoys smoking cigarettes while reading e-mails on her new laptop she purchased with Louie LaFleur's hard earned cash. Other members of the office were not happy to learn that Amber never wears pants to work and didn't spend the money on getting a new fax machine which hasn't been working lately because it is, in fact, the first fax machine ever made.

But back to the blog.

This is a picture of me:
I am the man on the right supporting a local band, Pink Floyd, by wearing their shirt underneath a very colorful flannel (you're welcome, boys). The man on my left is a trained assassin and my bodyguard. He knows the taste of blood and he likes it. For all of you who think he is flaunting a gang sign, you're fucking wrong. Dr. MurderDungeon is actually wielding an invisible 2-triggered gun he invented himself. Don't ask me why he's pointing it at me, he's a crazy scientist and his thoughts rarely make sense, but always end with someone dying.

This is about all I have planned for today's blog post. For part of my next post I will be answering questions from fans and solving the problems of their lives.

If you have a problem and you think I have the time to answer it, e-mail it to me at

louis.lafleeuur@gmail.com

Until next time....

EDIT: Ya that youtube link didn't work at first....fuck you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5Lec3m1pLY