Sunday, April 25, 2010
Barry Potter And Salt Experiments
I called into a Christian Radio show called "There is Hope" as a man named Ted Sprunson and told the man that my son, Tilt, was addicted to Barry Potter Books.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Earth Day's Resolutions (taken from the popular New Year's Resolutions) Year
On this day I, Louie LaFleur, have embarked on a new tradition that someday will be celebrated by hundreds of people and Animalia a like! For today I have created the very first list of Earth Day's Resolutions (to be spoken in the same vain as New Year's Resolutions or Spring Cleaning To Do lists). Earth Day's Resolutions are to be celebrated and executed the very same way one would go about executing New Year's Resolutions, but instead of selfishly bettering oneself (New Year's Resolutions) one chooses to take steps for betterment of the Earth (non-selfish).
So without further hitherto or furtherance here be'eth my Earth Day's Resolutions:
Louie LaFleur's Earth Day's Resolutions:
Preamble: I, Louie LaFleur, do solemnly give truthful mutterance to upkeep and hold true these following statements with the Earth's best interests in mind. Should I break the code of this Hammurabi-esque declaration I shall wait for the next jour de la Terre and purge my mind of previous attempts to better the Earth.
Resolutions:
1. Cut down shower time by half (30 minutes)
2. Do my math in my head rather then on paper or Styrofoam.
3. Only use Styrofoam plates and cups for two meals a day (including snacks, Louie).
4. Stop fantasizing about driving a Hum-Vee and start fantasizing about driving a Prius, god forbid.
5. Stop using ink pens and ink utilizing printers in an attempt to befriend an octopus or octopi.
6. Befriend an octopus or octopi.
7. Stop drinking bottled milk.
8. Stop bottling milk.
9. Start sorting my trash piles before I burn them.
10. Utilize the power of corn. (ie: popping corn)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Converstations with Barrister Robin Hood
After a few days of correspondence with Union Bank PLC, I was given the email address of a Nigerian Attorney named Robin Hood who would be in charge transferring my ($500,000) to my bank account. I was also given his phone number....
UNION BANK: ATTN: REGGIE KNINDENSEN,
WE HEREBY WRITE TO NOTIFY YOU THAT THE MICCON AWARD PROMOTION WILL END IN THE NEXT ONE WEEK BEING THE 1ST OF MARCH 2010.IN A SITUATION WHEREBY YOU DID NOT CLAIM YOUR FUND ON OR BEFORE THE IST OF MARCH 2010, YOUR FUND WILL BE CANCELLED AND YOUR MONEY WILL BE SEND TO THE PROMOTIONAL COMPANY AS UNCLAIMED FUND.
Part 2
UNION BANK: ATTN: REGGIE KNINDENSEN,
WE HEREBY WRITE TO NOTIFY YOU THAT THE MICCON AWARD PROMOTION WILL END IN THE NEXT ONE WEEK BEING THE 1ST OF MARCH 2010.IN A SITUATION WHEREBY YOU DID NOT CLAIM YOUR FUND ON OR BEFORE THE IST OF MARCH 2010, YOUR FUND WILL BE CANCELLED AND YOUR MONEY WILL BE SEND TO THE PROMOTIONAL COMPANY AS UNCLAIMED FUND.
THEREFORE, YOU HAVE LESS THAN ONE WEEK TO CLAIM YOUR WON PRIZE TO AVOID CANCELLATION OF YOUR FUND. GO AHEAD AND SEND US YOUR BANKING INFORMATION WHERE YOU WILL LIKE TO RECEIVE YOUR WON PRIZE TO ENABLE US APPROVE YOU FOR PAYMENT AND ALSO TRANSFER THE MONEY TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHOUT ANY FURTHER DELAY. THANKS
UNION BANK PLC
My bank information is as follows:
Name: Beld Tindin's Bank Extraordinaire Association - Ask for Mark.
Account No. 3345ABER4309R007
Bank Phone: 1-888-999-3434 ext. 44th section E digits 1-9 extended
Please send the funds to 6666 Maple Chapel, Hartsford, Michiganet Court ask for Ted.
And currently the most fluent language in the bank is French, so Merci Beaucoup!
Wishing you the best times always and more so that your life is fun and good each day,
Reggie Knindensen
Re: UNION BANK APPROVED REGGIE KNINDENSEN FOR PAYMENTAttn:Reggie Knindensen
In response to the application you sent to us as one of our lucky winners, we are pleased to inform you that your application has been granted.
You are required to come down to our head quarters in Africa to obtain the affidavit of claim and also sign the final release order document.
However, in the event that you may not be able to come over, you are advised to contact an accredited Barrister here in the bank who will act on your behalf to enable us transfer the fund to your account today.
Below is the contact of the Barrister that can finalize the transaction on your behalf.
He can get everything done on your behalf in 30Mins,contact him now if you need his services and also give him your Zip Code and phone number, Make sure you call him immediately with his below direct Phone Number,
Name: Barrister Robin Hood
Email
Phone:+234-706-882-3511
Call the barrister immediately and also email him with your cell phone number so that he will be able to give you a call as soon as he gets the fund transferred into your account today.
Enclosed is an attachment of your Payment Approval Document for your own personal documentation.
Accept our congratulations in advance!
Yours Faithfully,
Union Bank Plc.
This next part is a series of phone conversations I had with Robin Hood.
Part 1
UNION BANK PLC
My bank information is as follows:
Name: Beld Tindin's Bank Extraordinaire Association - Ask for Mark.
Account No. 3345ABER4309R007
Bank Phone: 1-888-999-3434 ext. 44th section E digits 1-9 extended
Please send the funds to 6666 Maple Chapel, Hartsford, Michiganet Court ask for Ted.
And currently the most fluent language in the bank is French, so Merci Beaucoup!
Wishing you the best times always and more so that your life is fun and good each day,
Reggie Knindensen
Re: UNION BANK APPROVED REGGIE KNINDENSEN FOR PAYMENTAttn:Reggie Knindensen
In response to the application you sent to us as one of our lucky winners, we are pleased to inform you that your application has been granted.
You are required to come down to our head quarters in Africa to obtain the affidavit of claim and also sign the final release order document.
However, in the event that you may not be able to come over, you are advised to contact an accredited Barrister here in the bank who will act on your behalf to enable us transfer the fund to your account today.
Below is the contact of the Barrister that can finalize the transaction on your behalf.
He can get everything done on your behalf in 30Mins,contact him now if you need his services and also give him your Zip Code and phone number, Make sure you call him immediately with his below direct Phone Number,
Name: Barrister Robin Hood
Phone:+234-706-882-3511
Call the barrister immediately and also email him with your cell phone number so that he will be able to give you a call as soon as he gets the fund transferred into your account today.
Enclosed is an attachment of your Payment Approval Document for your own personal documentation.
Accept our congratulations in advance!
Yours Faithfully,
Union Bank Plc.
This next part is a series of phone conversations I had with Robin Hood.
Part 1
Part 2
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Emails with Rev Dr. Ben Koro
The following is a series of emails that I had with a man named Rev Dr. Ben Koro, who first emailed me with the information that I had one ($500,000) in a world lottery.
Dear Internet User.
We are happy to inform you that your email address have emerged winner
of (DOLLARS $500,000) in MICCON AWARD PROMOTION.
The online cyber draws was conducted from an exclusive list of
500,000.00 email addresses of individuals, corporate bodies, Students
and staff email addresses picked by an advanced automated random
computer selection from the web.
Your email address attached to ticket number: 003-0155107-07 with
serial number.: AA01/07/003/cc drew the numbers: 10-01-44-86-23 which
emerged as the 2nd place winning numbers in category "A". You are
therefore entitled to a winning prize of $500,000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED
THOUSAND US DOLLARS) which is credited in cash to file with
REF:05/1128-ISA/0001-1.
Bear in mind that prizes will strictly be remitted to winners that
officially file in for their claim within the given time frame below,
Note: All Won Prize must Be claimed/ Cleared not later than one
month.After this date, all other winnings will considered as UNCLAIMED
and returned to Global award department.
To begin your claim, you are to forward this message to our accredited
claim agent including your
1. Name
2. Address
3. Nationality
4. Age
5. Occupation
6. Phone/Fax
Make sure you send him email to his email address and call
him once you send him email:
Contact Person: Rev Dr Ben Koro
Tel: +234-803-443-3473
IF YOU ARE CALLING FROM USA THIS IS HOW YOU WILL DIAL
011-234-803-443-3473 BUT IF YOU ARE CALLING FROM ANY OTHER COUNTRY
THIS IS HOW YOU DIAL +234-803-443-3473
THIS IS YOUR CLAIM AGENT E-MAIL ADDRESS BELOW,
E MAIL: benkoro220@gmail.com
Your prize award has been insured with your email address and will be
transferred to you upon meeting the requirement of the gaming board
authority which includes your statutory obligations.
NOTE: You may receive this E-mail more than once as the Miccon Award
Promotion send it to its winners in most cases until every winner has
claimed his or her prize to ensure that all the winners receive it.
Congratulations!!!
Sincerely,
Eric Nichole's
General Coordinator,
MICCON ONLINE PROMOTION.
Dear Rev Dr. Ben Koro
It seems I have one a great prize from you ($500,000) (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS). I am a very lucky internet user because I need this money. You see just recently my cat needs an operation to put her toes back on her front parts, but I am too old to do the surgery myself. When I was younger I removed the toes from her front parts and now feel like a bad man (please forgive me if you have cats and do not like it when toes are removed from the front or back parts. I am very interested in receiving my prize! I am somewhat reluctant as to how I won this money, but it seems you are a doctor so I was reassured, then I saw that you were a reverend and I knew I could trust you with the front parts of my cat. Please let me know how I can collect my prize. My cat needs her toes back!
Your Newest Friend (probably),
Reggie Knindensen
P.S. What kind of doctor are you? Also my friends call me "The Regtable". I know its a bit funny. My cat's name is "Stinkles" I will tell you why in the next email.
Hello Winner,
How are you together with your family? Hope the lord has been good in
our lives. I am responding on how skeptic you are sounding about the
prize winning, but this is never a joke my dear, because I have been
doing it for other lucky winners like you.
Yes my dear, you won a cash price of $500,000(usd}, you are one of the
lucky winners in this years promotion which your email address
consequently won. It is a thing of joy and also a blessing that has
bestowed upon you and your family.
Moreover, this is a program that happens every year to improve the
level of education and also to encourage the use of internet among
staffs and students worldwide.
All participants are selected randomly through their school email
addresses and a computer ballot system was drawn from 15 million email
addresses from Australia, New Zealand, America, Europe, North America
and Africa. That is how you came up to be one of the lucky winners of
this years programme.
All you have to do is to send me your below information,
Name in full
Address
Nationality
Age
Occupation
Phone/Fax
to enable me get back to you with your winning certificate, which you
will forward to the paying bank to enable them transfer your prize
winning into your account without any delay.
Regards
Rev Dr Ben Koro
Hello My Beauty (Rev Dr. Ben Koro),
I am so pleased to hear that out of these many countries (continents! my mistake, as usual) I have won this prize of (usd). It goes without saying that this money will go straight to my cat's front parts and nowhere else(I hope, I have a terrible gambling addiction that has stricken both the lives of my wonderful cat Stinkles and my life as well.) !! I am a little worried about giving out the information that you asked for (Address, Nationality, Age, Occupation, Phone/Fax). I, just as many lucky Internet users, fear Identity fraud, but I really need this money for my cat. Recently, my cat has taken to ignoring me because of the severe damage I have done to her front parts (toes). So I am almost inclined to hand over the needed information right now! Here is some of it, Nationality: United States of American, Age: 64, Occupation: Cat and Cat Memorabilia Enthusiast/ Retired Cat Parts Surgeon. Fax: none. Please let me know if you need the other parts of information from me to collect the money! Also, I would help me more to trust you if you sent me a picture of you dressed up as a doctor or a reverend, but please make sure it is you! To make sure it is you could be giving me a "thumbs up!" or a "you're number one!" type gesture in the photo. Thanks again!
--
Wishing you the best times always and more so that your life is fun and good each day,
Reggie Knindensen
P.S. I almost forgot to tell you why my cat was named "Stinkles"! Haha my mind wanders! I named her Stinkles because she sometimes gets into my onion bin and will eat a whole onion before I stop her. As you can imagine her breath smells TERRIBLE when I go to smell her mouth at night. Also, I will tell you more about my terrible gambling addiction and how it started in the next email! Look forward to hearing from you!
Dear Reggie Knindensen,
Below attachment is your winning certificate.
Forward your winning certificate together with your banking
information to the bank to enable them transfer the fund to your
account.
Here is the bank e mail address
ubnplc002@yahoo.com
Here is the bank phone number 011-234-806-891-7124
Below are your banking information you have to send to the bank
(1) Your Name
(2) Your Bank Name
(3) Your Account Number
(4) Your Cell Phone Number
Bear in mind that this yahoo email address was created just for this
promotion because the bank's website is under construction now, so
they are using this email for the promotion alone and the id will be
closed as soon as the promotion ends in the next four weeks.
Congratulations as you receive your fund,
May the almighty God bless you and your family.
Rev(Dr) Ben Koro.
Hello Union Bank PLC,
My name is Reggie Knindensen, and as you surely know from the emails I have forwarded to you
Yesterday, yes, I am the proud owner of the my Stinkles (cat). As you now should have realized, I have
Attached my Winning Certificate in this email. Please be careful with it, (REV DR. Ben Koro says I only get one!!!)
I am so Grateful that you have chosen me (Reggie) for this wonderful money. But I must ask for even more than (FIVE HUN-
DRED THOUSAND DOLLARS) (usd) from you, I must also ask for your advice and cooperation. As a bank I'm sure you have great
Experience in giving and taking advice from people and other buildings like yourself. You see my Stinkles and I have a business proposition for you,
That deals with a certain laser surgery operation (LSO) in the field of Cat Beautification and Manipulations (CB&M). As a retired Cat Surgeon, I am experienced
In Cat Beautification and this operations is revolutionary in Chic cat trends. The operation calls for the laser removal of hairs from the buttocks of beloved and l-
oyal cats. It makes the cats so much nicer to look at.
Please respond to this email with either: 1) Yes we look forward to supporting you, your Stinkles, and your business! or 2) No. If you respond I will then give you my bank information you require.
T.hanks for listening and your eyesight,
Reg.
Dear Internet User.
We are happy to inform you that your email address have emerged winner
of (DOLLARS $500,000) in MICCON AWARD PROMOTION.
The online cyber draws was conducted from an exclusive list of
500,000.00 email addresses of individuals, corporate bodies, Students
and staff email addresses picked by an advanced automated random
computer selection from the web.
Your email address attached to ticket number: 003-0155107-07 with
serial number.: AA01/07/003/cc drew the numbers: 10-01-44-86-23 which
emerged as the 2nd place winning numbers in category "A". You are
therefore entitled to a winning prize of $500,000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED
THOUSAND US DOLLARS) which is credited in cash to file with
REF:05/1128-ISA/0001-1.
Bear in mind that prizes will strictly be remitted to winners that
officially file in for their claim within the given time frame below,
Note: All Won Prize must Be claimed/ Cleared not later than one
month.After this date, all other winnings will considered as UNCLAIMED
and returned to Global award department.
To begin your claim, you are to forward this message to our accredited
claim agent including your
1. Name
2. Address
3. Nationality
4. Age
5. Occupation
6. Phone/Fax
Make sure you send him email to his email address and call
him once you send him email:
Contact Person: Rev Dr Ben Koro
Tel: +234-803-443-3473
IF YOU ARE CALLING FROM USA THIS IS HOW YOU WILL DIAL
011-234-803-443-3473 BUT IF YOU ARE CALLING FROM ANY OTHER COUNTRY
THIS IS HOW YOU DIAL +234-803-443-3473
THIS IS YOUR CLAIM AGENT E-MAIL ADDRESS BELOW,
E MAIL: benkoro220@gmail.com
Your prize award has been insured with your email address and will be
transferred to you upon meeting the requirement of the gaming board
authority which includes your statutory obligations.
NOTE: You may receive this E-mail more than once as the Miccon Award
Promotion send it to its winners in most cases until every winner has
claimed his or her prize to ensure that all the winners receive it.
Congratulations!!!
Sincerely,
Eric Nichole's
General Coordinator,
MICCON ONLINE PROMOTION.
Dear Rev Dr. Ben Koro
It seems I have one a great prize from you ($500,000) (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS). I am a very lucky internet user because I need this money. You see just recently my cat needs an operation to put her toes back on her front parts, but I am too old to do the surgery myself. When I was younger I removed the toes from her front parts and now feel like a bad man (please forgive me if you have cats and do not like it when toes are removed from the front or back parts. I am very interested in receiving my prize! I am somewhat reluctant as to how I won this money, but it seems you are a doctor so I was reassured, then I saw that you were a reverend and I knew I could trust you with the front parts of my cat. Please let me know how I can collect my prize. My cat needs her toes back!
Your Newest Friend (probably),
Reggie Knindensen
P.S. What kind of doctor are you? Also my friends call me "The Regtable". I know its a bit funny. My cat's name is "Stinkles" I will tell you why in the next email.
Hello Winner,
How are you together with your family? Hope the lord has been good in
our lives. I am responding on how skeptic you are sounding about the
prize winning, but this is never a joke my dear, because I have been
doing it for other lucky winners like you.
Yes my dear, you won a cash price of $500,000(usd}, you are one of the
lucky winners in this years promotion which your email address
consequently won. It is a thing of joy and also a blessing that has
bestowed upon you and your family.
Moreover, this is a program that happens every year to improve the
level of education and also to encourage the use of internet among
staffs and students worldwide.
All participants are selected randomly through their school email
addresses and a computer ballot system was drawn from 15 million email
addresses from Australia, New Zealand, America, Europe, North America
and Africa. That is how you came up to be one of the lucky winners of
this years programme.
All you have to do is to send me your below information,
Name in full
Address
Nationality
Age
Occupation
Phone/Fax
to enable me get back to you with your winning certificate, which you
will forward to the paying bank to enable them transfer your prize
winning into your account without any delay.
Regards
Rev Dr Ben Koro
Hello My Beauty (Rev Dr. Ben Koro),
I am so pleased to hear that out of these many countries (continents! my mistake, as usual) I have won this prize of (usd). It goes without saying that this money will go straight to my cat's front parts and nowhere else(I hope, I have a terrible gambling addiction that has stricken both the lives of my wonderful cat Stinkles and my life as well.) !! I am a little worried about giving out the information that you asked for (Address, Nationality, Age, Occupation, Phone/Fax). I, just as many lucky Internet users, fear Identity fraud, but I really need this money for my cat. Recently, my cat has taken to ignoring me because of the severe damage I have done to her front parts (toes). So I am almost inclined to hand over the needed information right now! Here is some of it, Nationality: United States of American, Age: 64, Occupation: Cat and Cat Memorabilia Enthusiast/ Retired Cat Parts Surgeon. Fax: none. Please let me know if you need the other parts of information from me to collect the money! Also, I would help me more to trust you if you sent me a picture of you dressed up as a doctor or a reverend, but please make sure it is you! To make sure it is you could be giving me a "thumbs up!" or a "you're number one!" type gesture in the photo. Thanks again!
--
Wishing you the best times always and more so that your life is fun and good each day,
Reggie Knindensen
P.S. I almost forgot to tell you why my cat was named "Stinkles"! Haha my mind wanders! I named her Stinkles because she sometimes gets into my onion bin and will eat a whole onion before I stop her. As you can imagine her breath smells TERRIBLE when I go to smell her mouth at night. Also, I will tell you more about my terrible gambling addiction and how it started in the next email! Look forward to hearing from you!
Dear Reggie Knindensen,
Below attachment is your winning certificate.
Forward your winning certificate together with your banking
information to the bank to enable them transfer the fund to your
account.
Here is the bank e mail address
ubnplc002@yahoo.com
Here is the bank phone number 011-234-806-891-7124
Below are your banking information you have to send to the bank
(1) Your Name
(2) Your Bank Name
(3) Your Account Number
(4) Your Cell Phone Number
Bear in mind that this yahoo email address was created just for this
promotion because the bank's website is under construction now, so
they are using this email for the promotion alone and the id will be
closed as soon as the promotion ends in the next four weeks.
Congratulations as you receive your fund,
May the almighty God bless you and your family.
Rev(Dr) Ben Koro.
Hello Union Bank PLC,
My name is Reggie Knindensen, and as you surely know from the emails I have forwarded to you
Yesterday, yes, I am the proud owner of the my Stinkles (cat). As you now should have realized, I have
Attached my Winning Certificate in this email. Please be careful with it, (REV DR. Ben Koro says I only get one!!!)
I am so Grateful that you have chosen me (Reggie) for this wonderful money. But I must ask for even more than (FIVE HUN-
DRED THOUSAND DOLLARS) (usd) from you, I must also ask for your advice and cooperation. As a bank I'm sure you have great
Experience in giving and taking advice from people and other buildings like yourself. You see my Stinkles and I have a business proposition for you,
That deals with a certain laser surgery operation (LSO) in the field of Cat Beautification and Manipulations (CB&M). As a retired Cat Surgeon, I am experienced
In Cat Beautification and this operations is revolutionary in Chic cat trends. The operation calls for the laser removal of hairs from the buttocks of beloved and l-
oyal cats. It makes the cats so much nicer to look at.
Please respond to this email with either: 1) Yes we look forward to supporting you, your Stinkles, and your business! or 2) No. If you respond I will then give you my bank information you require.
T.hanks for listening and your eyesight,
Reg.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Te-Te-Te-Teeerrrrrooorist BLOG!
Terrorism Blows (Things up.)
Which is: "all children hate their parents when made to eat their veggies".Terrorism Blows (Things up.)
When we hear the word "Terrorism" what do we think of? 9/11? Osama "The Recycling Bin" Laden? Foreign Languages? Weird curry foods and "Gyros"? Not ending sentences with prepositions because some old stink bomb whore teacher in fucking high school English class thought it was classless and then she humiliated you in front of your peers by making you spell receive on the white board knowing that you were too tired to remember the "I" before "E" except after mother fucking "C" rule? Sure, sounds like terrorism to me.
But some would argue that the word "terrorism" is a constantly changing word that varies due to perspective (Sounds like something a terrorist would say). In fact there is a very common saying that states exactly this. It goes: "one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter". Or represented mathematically:
But some would argue that the word "terrorism" is a constantly changing word that varies due to perspective (Sounds like something a terrorist would say). In fact there is a very common saying that states exactly this. It goes: "one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter". Or represented mathematically:
| f(x + h) | = | (x + h)² + 1 = x² + 2xh + h² + 1. |
Where "x" represents the universal truth: "all love pizza", and "h" is merely a function of variable change due extra toppings and its relationship to the second universal truth represented by:
| f(x + h) |
Moving on...
It is safe to say that word terrorism is certainly subjective to the winds of perspective...or so I thought. You see there is a lot in this world that is foreign to me, countries I haven't seen, foods I haven't tasted, races of nocturnal dwarfish humans that only prey on the weak and wounded at night leaving no trace of their existence and further more plotting to murder the masterminds behind the show "Little People Big World" which has, frankly, made them look like little bitches....I haven't seen this either.
But recently I have seen the face of terrorism. It hides in plain sight. It is American. It tempts our children on the television then haunts their nightmares. It is extremely profitable, stealing millions of American dollars, and I can see no plausible end.
I'm talking about the Saw movies.
Jesus Christ.
First of all, I must admit that I have not seen all the Saw movies. I know, I know. What in god's name have I been doing? I did see the first one, and don't get me wrong it was ok. Danny Glover, the guy from The Princess Bride, ankle sawing, some terminally ill man was laying on the ground the whole movie?...It all seemed fine at the time. How did they get Danny Glover? I don't know....people need money and they stopped making Lethal Weapons.
But from watching that new trailer it seems that the terminally ill albino man is still alive. This is baffling. It seems that he is still, and has been for six movies, gathering humans who for one reason or the other are depressed and not living their lives to the fullest. You would think that in the time span that these movies have covered he would have been doing something more along the lines of a Bucket List type plot, where, in his last few years on Earth, he accomplished some of the goals he hadn't had the time to do when he was nice and healthy and probably had more color in his face and hair. Most people with terminal illness look for one last hooker to fuck, maybe try anal, and leave other peoples problems out of their own lives, as that might cause more stress than the actually disease that is eating away his body from the inside. I'm usually not one to cast the first stone, but this seems ridiculous.
But....These movies are consistently a box office success. So, although it's probably not the case, there could be a chance the Saw films contain some genuine elements of a good movie. Let's examine further.
Saw: 2 fellas kidnapped, trapped in a room. Family held by mysterious murderer. Trapped fellas have to play a game to determines who lives and who dies. Gore. Lesson learned. Twist = old man on floor the whole time was not just napping, but in fact planned the whole thing despite having a terminal illness.
Saw II: The killer Jigsaw is back at his games! More people kidnapped. More fucking games. People have to decide whether to play in these games that result in other peoples death in order to see someone in their family again. Albino napping man from first movie is still sick.
Saw III: Doctor kidnapped to treat still alive albino cracker. Albino gringo wants to "finish" his games. Turns out to be bullshit as 3 more movies are made after this one. I'm sure something happens with his family and people die.
Saw IV: I dunno.
Saw V: Probably some odd combination of the previous movies has something to do with this one.
Saw VI: White dude still alive somehow. Probably some blindsiding twist about paralleling story lines, family, games, and death. Note: Danny Glover never returns.
These movies fucking suck. It seems as though it doesn't matter which order you watch the Saw films, because they are all the same exact fucking thing. I'd go as far to say that Bill Gates cooked up some secret software that consumes our own human feces and shits out Saw movies. It is probably a vending machine in Japan that reads "Please insert 4 dumps of shit" then you insert your 4 dumps, and out pops a nice 100 page script including one villain, one protagonist, one twist that might have been nudged at during the film, and of course a nice CD-ROM of suspenseful, climax building, stock music that usually lets you know "The film is ending now. Please leave, we have your money."
And that's where the terrorism strikes. Let's look at the concept of Terrorism. In so many words, terrorism is that which uses fear to gain profit for the ones projecting that fear. The Saw movies use bad dialogue, repetition, and our own shit, just as other terrorists use car bombs, rocket launchers, and our own planes. These Saw Terrorists' only goal is take our money as they collect our shit dumps and feed them to their script shitting robots.
We have to take a stand and either stop shitting into the sewers where the Saw movie producers live and reproduce only to collect our shit and in the end our money, or start illegally pirating this saw movies and re-collecting our lost money.
PS. Please don't tell Michael Moore about this. He'll ruin it for us all.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
A MURDER MYSTERY
The Louie LaFleur Story, Very Scary...
The Louie LaFleur Story, Very Scary...
Louie's Journal:
Day One:
It was a cold Sunday night in March. I had just written a blog posting a clever, yet also hilarious portion of a script I shit out a day earlier. My brain hurt from working so hard that I made my way into the kitchen for some salty snacks, but there were none. I thought to myself,
"Wait...didn't I just stock up on delicious salty snacks yesterday....had I already eaten my rations of salty cheese crackers?...in just one day...I suspect foul play...(Insert your own goldfish puns here!)"
I heard a ghoulish, hideous shriek scratching outside the window, and I decided to grant my curious eyes a peek. Hmm...Nothing there must have been the wind or a passing car playing AC/DC. I let down the blinds and retreated to my room, but then I heard the horrible shriek again. This time it was coming from below me....in the basement. My mind got the best of me and started for the basem...
Day Two:
Sorry, Journal... I had to cut it off early last night. Just as I was heading for the basement my bladder reminded me that it needed to empty itself then after that I got distracted on the Internet watching episodes of COPS and fell asleep. I had completely forgotten about the sound until I checked my journal tonight, but I have not lost my curious edge....No tonight I will seek to find what made that noise....On the lighter side journal, I have purchased more salty snacks...seems this time I shall be prepared. I went with these tasty pretzel twis......hold on....THERE IT IS AGAIN!...the noise journal...it's back. I can hear it below me now....
Day Three:
Dammit Journal! It's happened again! I had made it into the basement to investigate the noise when all of a sudden...out of nowhere...piles of dirty laundry lay on the ground. I had completely forgotten to finish my laundry from earlier in the week, so I finished it then and the entire investigation slipped my mind! RATS!!! I won't forget this time journal....and let me tell you why...You see today I took a nap outside in my parking lot and woke up here in the basement, but I had this terrible dream of an old dirty man approaching me. He walked up, disturbing my sleep no less, and asked,
"My dear boy, Have you any change to spare?"
To which I replied,
"I'm sleeping outside in a parking lot you dumb, motherfucker. Does it look like I have any change for your old-man diapers? The ones that you shit yourself in everyday? I bet you shit yourself all the time."
Journal, this must have angered the old man because he pulled out a knife and then he sta....Wait a second.....THE NOISE....It's back....Oh my god.....Journal....It is AC/DC!! The entire band (or what's left of them) is laying dead in their own cold blood. They're throats have been cut.....there is a trail of blood... wait Journal, the blood leads back to me. Oh no, Journal! There is a bloody knife in my left hand.....I think I have slit AC/DC's throats.....What have I done....I mean sure I hate their music....but enough to kill? Hold on......they're moving....Oh my god they are alive....well then who's blood is this? It's my blood! It was no dream...That old man stabbed me to death and this is hell. Hell is being in my basement with AC/DC for eternity.......I REPEAT.....Hell, the worst possible place and situation imaginable for me, is being in my basement with the band AC/DC for eternity. No fire, or demons torturing me....Just AC/DC.....just hanging out with AC/DC is my hell.
The devil is cunning.
Day One:
It was a cold Sunday night in March. I had just written a blog posting a clever, yet also hilarious portion of a script I shit out a day earlier. My brain hurt from working so hard that I made my way into the kitchen for some salty snacks, but there were none. I thought to myself,
"Wait...didn't I just stock up on delicious salty snacks yesterday....had I already eaten my rations of salty cheese crackers?...in just one day...I suspect foul play...(Insert your own goldfish puns here!)"
I heard a ghoulish, hideous shriek scratching outside the window, and I decided to grant my curious eyes a peek. Hmm...Nothing there must have been the wind or a passing car playing AC/DC. I let down the blinds and retreated to my room, but then I heard the horrible shriek again. This time it was coming from below me....in the basement. My mind got the best of me and started for the basem...
Day Two:
Sorry, Journal... I had to cut it off early last night. Just as I was heading for the basement my bladder reminded me that it needed to empty itself then after that I got distracted on the Internet watching episodes of COPS and fell asleep. I had completely forgotten about the sound until I checked my journal tonight, but I have not lost my curious edge....No tonight I will seek to find what made that noise....On the lighter side journal, I have purchased more salty snacks...seems this time I shall be prepared. I went with these tasty pretzel twis......hold on....THERE IT IS AGAIN!...the noise journal...it's back. I can hear it below me now....
Day Three:
Dammit Journal! It's happened again! I had made it into the basement to investigate the noise when all of a sudden...out of nowhere...piles of dirty laundry lay on the ground. I had completely forgotten to finish my laundry from earlier in the week, so I finished it then and the entire investigation slipped my mind! RATS!!! I won't forget this time journal....and let me tell you why...You see today I took a nap outside in my parking lot and woke up here in the basement, but I had this terrible dream of an old dirty man approaching me. He walked up, disturbing my sleep no less, and asked,
"My dear boy, Have you any change to spare?"
To which I replied,
"I'm sleeping outside in a parking lot you dumb, motherfucker. Does it look like I have any change for your old-man diapers? The ones that you shit yourself in everyday? I bet you shit yourself all the time."
Journal, this must have angered the old man because he pulled out a knife and then he sta....Wait a second.....THE NOISE....It's back....Oh my god.....Journal....It is AC/DC!! The entire band (or what's left of them) is laying dead in their own cold blood. They're throats have been cut.....there is a trail of blood... wait Journal, the blood leads back to me. Oh no, Journal! There is a bloody knife in my left hand.....I think I have slit AC/DC's throats.....What have I done....I mean sure I hate their music....but enough to kill? Hold on......they're moving....Oh my god they are alive....well then who's blood is this? It's my blood! It was no dream...That old man stabbed me to death and this is hell. Hell is being in my basement with AC/DC for eternity.......I REPEAT.....Hell, the worst possible place and situation imaginable for me, is being in my basement with the band AC/DC for eternity. No fire, or demons torturing me....Just AC/DC.....just hanging out with AC/DC is my hell.
The devil is cunning.
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